Business Ethics At The Figgis Agency
by Red Witch
Summary: In short, there aren't any.


**The disclaimer telling you that I own any Archer characters has gone to a business meeting. Just some more madness from my tiny little mind.**

 **Business Ethics At The Figgis Agency **

"All right," Cyril walked into the bullpen. He saw Lana, Krieger and Ray sitting around reading magazines. "We need to have a meeting."

"Hoo-rah," Krieger said sarcastically as he put down his _Parrothead's Monthly_ Magazine.

"Another meeting," Ray said sarcastically. "My heart is skipping a beat."

"I think we need to talk about business ethics," Cyril said. "Since we're obviously been sliding down that scale since day one. Okay I know Ms. Archer is visiting her son. But where are the Gruesome Twosome?"

"More like the Glue-some Twosome," Lana quipped. "They're not here."

"I can see that," Cyril snapped. "Where are they?"

"All we know is that they didn't come in this morning," Ray pointed. "Mostly because we still have some bearclaws left."

"Fine," Cyril groaned. "Maybe it's for the best those two aren't here? They're not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer."

"Big talk from the _bent spoon_ ," Krieger quipped. "Is that an idiom over here?"

"I don't think that's an idiom **anywhere** ," Ray said.

"Hey idiots! Pay attention!" Cyril went to the board. "We're talking about business ethics today!"

"When Mallory's not here," Lana remarked.

"Can you think of a **better time?"** Ray asked.

"Point taken," Lana shrugged.

"These are the core principles of business ethics," Cyril wrote them down. "Honesty, integrity…"

"Aren't technically those two the _same thing_?" Ray asked.

"Shut up," Cyril told him. "Trustworthiness, loyalty, fairness, concern and respect for others, abiding by the laws, accountability, reputation, commitment to excellence and leadership."

"We don't have **any** of those things," Krieger pointed out.

"Especially leadership," Ray quipped.

"Obviously we have our work cut out for us," Cyril sighed. "We need to do something to revitalize this business and maybe by becoming… **Anything else** than what we are right now will do it?"

"I've figured out a way to cut the costs of electricity," Krieger spoke up. "Save on our electric bill."

"Good because it's due literally today," Cyril sighed. "How?"

"I've been using my own solar panels," Krieger said. "I put them on the roof a week ago. That will cut our electricity bill in half."

"As long as the sun is shining," Ray gave him a look.

"It's California," Krieger looked at him. "The sun shines three hundred and sixty-three days out of the year."

"Unless it's **raining,** " Lana said. "Which it's been doing these past three days."

"Or smog covers the city," Ray added. "And blocks out all the light."

"It's not a perfect system okay?" Krieger snapped. "At least I was able to fix our water bill."

"By doing what?" Cyril asked. "Installing things like low-flow toilets and other water conservation methods?"

"No, because I secretly hacked into the plumbing of the building next door," Krieger told him. "We've been getting free water for four months."

"I wondered why our water bills were so low," Cyril blinked.

"I just left enough so it wouldn't be suspicious," Krieger shrugged.

"I'm not even going to ask what that means," Cyril groaned.

"It's best you don't," Lana told him.

"Oh! We got this in the mail from our water company!" Krieger pulled out a small plaque. "I did some research online and found out they give these out to companies that manage to cut their usage in half over two months."

Cyril took it. "It's a plaque congratulating the Figgis Agency on working on ways to save water."

"You can put it next to the fake Business of the Year award you and Ms. Archer cooked up," Ray suggested.

"Might as well," Cyril sighed. "This is what I was talking about…"

"What were you numb nuts talking about?" Pam asked as she walked in with Cheryl.

"Besides the hypocrisy of Cyril teaching us **business ethics?"** Lana asked. "Why you two are late for starters."

"Where the hell have you two been?" Ray asked.

"Here," Pam said. "All night. Playing poker."

"And here's a thousand dollars each for you to say that," Cheryl took out some money from her purse.

"It was a lovely game wasn't it?" Ray said quickly.

"One of the best nights we've had," Krieger added.

"I should ask," Lana sighed. "But honestly I don't care. I'll take the money."

"Ditto," Cyril sighed.

"Here you go," Cheryl handed out the money to all of them. "Don't bother telling Ms. Archer about the payout. Just the poker part."

"We gathered that," Cyril said dryly.

"This is not our first bribe," Ray explained.

"Good," Cheryl said. "Just so we're clear. We all lost to Ray at poker but since we were playing for M&M's we didn't lose any money."

"I do have a sweet tooth," Ray admitted.

"We were nowhere **near** the Central Business District last night," Cheryl added.

"Why?" Lana asked.

"Check the morning news," Pam sighed.

"This does not bode well," Cyril sighed as he turned the news on.

An image of a building on fire was shown. "Last night the corporate offices of Tunt Motors were burned in a freak accident…" The newscaster said.

Everyone looked at Cheryl. "I had to do some cleaning last night," Cheryl shrugged. "Let's leave it at that."

"Is this the same Tunt Motors that is currently being investigated?" Lana asked. "And that CEO you ratted on is being thrown to the figurative wolves?"

"Also, yes," Pam admitted.

"In the old days he would have been thrown to some literal wolves," Cheryl added. "Don't worry. I'm fine."

"Oh goody," Lana said sarcastically. "I was so worried for you."

"Oh Cyril! I have some work for you," Cheryl took out some papers. "These are forms saying that you investigated the fire thoroughly and found no arson. It was just faulty wiring."

"It **was?"** Cyril blinked.

"My payment for the agency is fifty thousand dollars," Cheryl showed him the check.

"Of course, it was!" Cyril took the papers and wrote his signature on them. He handed them to Cheryl and took the check. "It was so obvious."

"So are you," Pam quipped.

"If you hurry to the bank now," Ray suggested. "We might keep our power on by the end of the week."

"And to think," Cyril went to cash the check. "I once **had** business ethics."

"Well now my ass is covered," Cheryl giggled. "I think I've earned a vodka and glue break." She skipped away.

Ray remarked. "That woman is gonna end up either one of two things. Either dead at an early age due to an alcohol related drug induced bizarre accident."

"Possibly involving choke sex," Pam added.

Ray finished. "Or she's gonna end up running the damn country. And end up being our boss."

"Either way we're screwed," Lana groaned.

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded.


End file.
